


Mugiwara Mr. Zoro Show Fun Time Banzai!

by ember_alda



Category: One Piece
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-28
Updated: 2011-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-28 07:16:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/305231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ember_alda/pseuds/ember_alda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And somehow the resinous super-glue fell into Sanji's lap, just as Zoro fell on top of him.</p><p> </p>
            </blockquote>





	Mugiwara Mr. Zoro Show Fun Time Banzai!

**Author's Note:**

> This is total and utter crack, with no redeeming nutritional value, wherein the Luffy's crew puts on a Mr. Roger's type kid's show for the greater good.

"But why the fuck do I have to wear this? It's _purple_." Zoro tugs at the fluffy sweater he's wearing, despite the warm weather. This whole thing was so _stupid_. Why couldn't the cook wear it? It was something suitably girly enough for him.

Nami glared at the swordsman, looking even more severe with her glasses on. "Because it's a kids show, you idiot! It's supposed to have soft, soothing colors so it won't disturb the children!" She pointed to the brightly colored sign hoisted above the deck saying 'Mugiwara Mr. Zoro Show Fun Time Banzai!'. "We all drew lots and _you_ got the host slot. I chose that sweater especially for you."

Zoro looked down at it again. He wouldn't be so mad if not for the fact that the stiffly collared shirt under it was _pink_. A light, frilly pink, too! Like some grandma's bedroom curtain! "Screw this! I'm not going to go around singing and talking to hand puppets and saying "my neighbor" while wearing these shoddily built canvas shoes!"

"We have to show everyone we are responsible pirates! Ever since Luffy took out the World government and became Pirate King, people have been questioning our reliability, we have to show we care about the future education of our children."

Zoro muttered under his breath. " _Our_ children?"

Usopp came on deck with the final props; another blue and orange painted wooden box for a chair and fuzzy bunny and bear hand puppets. "Nami, if you want me to show you how to use the recording dial you can help me set up the stand. I marked off the radius for recording, too!" Usopp turned to look at Zoro- then promptly flung up his arm to protect his eyes from the beams of pastel madness that radiated from him.

"Oi! If you don't stop doing that every time you see me I swear I'll fu-"

Nami smiled sweetly in that I'm-going-to-add-to-your-interest way. "Kids show, Zoro. I think you need to practice a little more. If you mess this up even a little, I'm afraid I'm going to have to deduct your pay for doing this segment...maybe into the _negative_ factor, so try your best for the children!"

Zoro mentally ripped out his hair and took Wadou Ichimonji out on a destructive rampage that tore down the colorful sign and in the process slashed these horrible pastel-beaming clothes from his body, while mistakenly making Nami trip over the sheath and into the ocean.

"Naaaaami-chan!" Stupid ero-cook came ballet dancing out with hearts popping out of his eyes as he floated towards their navigator. She didn't even have to coerce him into wearing a huge purple bear suit. Wait no...didn't Usopp say...wisteria? "I have done as you wished my flower-princess! This choice in color is really superb, you are such a caring person, Nami-san, spending so much of your precious time on-"

Zoro nearly went on a seppuku spree when the shit cook blocked his eyes while turning his head towards the radioactive sweater. "Fucking _hell_ I'm gonna carve out your _eyes_ next time you do that!"

The sneer on Sanji's face was less then PG because just then the overwhelmingly brutish and seaweed colored aura of the other temporarily blotted out the gold sparkling beauteous one of his Nami-swan. "Freakin' kusoyaro, you should _appreciate_ the work Nami has put into your costume."

"...as much as she put into yours..." Zoro muttered. He knew for a fact that she just had Usopp sew it together out of Chopper's shedded fur and spray paint it over. Which now that he thought about it...kind of did take a lot of effort, but only on Usopp's part. "It's _purple_. And it _beams_."

"It's fucking _periwinkle_ asshat! She chose it so it'd compliment your hair. God knows nothing can match seafoam green unless it's white or black without it being _garish_."

They both ignored the slight cough that came from a Usopp occupied corner of the ship. "Ah...Nami! I set up the dial stand and it's ready to record."

Nami clapped her hands together and spoke through the megaphone (Usopp had made it out of a cake batter funnel and a sound amplifying dial) even though the others were less then twenty feet away. "OK. EVERYONE GET READY, WE ARE STARTING THIS RECORING IN 3, 2, 1...now."

Zoro unplugged his ears at the last moment, death glaring in a way that made his eyebrows sharpen to ninety degree angles at their navigator, ready to kill with a frighteningly visible vein throbbing on his forehead. He jerked his head towards Usopp and glared at him some more for making the megaphone in the first place. There was a squeaking eeeek sound that started off the show.

Zoro shoved Sanji with the force of his angry and pointy elbows, a periwinkle colored sleeve muffling Sanji's eyes while the other one cut into his gut and made him trip over one of the boxes. As his face smashed into the deck the mouth of the bear costume flopped open making his teeth connect painfully with the wood beneath it.

"-the fucking HELL you SHIT-HEAD?!" A pair of wisteria furry arms swept out in a mocking huggy motion that was really an attempt at brutal physical assault on the host.

"Get out of the freakin' WAY you ASShole! Didn't you hear Nami, the SHOW'S starting! Take your fuzzy ass and get OUT."

A smirk entirely to evil to be on Chappy Happy Cook the Bear spread across his face. "Why...afraid there's going to be a _pay reduction_ involved? Are you really that weak to cave in without hesitation? No wonder you accepted to wear that sweater meekly like a pansy. Oh, my mistake a _periwinkle_."

The Vein started throbbing so hard that it burst and now Zoro had what seemed to be a huge liver spot on his forehead despite not being over the age of thirty. "Fuck. You. You over appreciated. Kitchen. Bitch."

Sanji's bear-head gaped at the insult, his one eye wheeling around and around like a blue, black-hole, sucking the words into the deep dark void inside him harboring a death-star that was about to shoot it's ray of doom into his psyche and make him Freak Out at Zoro's provoking Just-you-try-it motherfucker grin.

"You...PEA BRAINED ASS-SUCKING-"

Usopp and Nami had been standing by the dial though the whole argument, and Usopp had decided that now was a good time to pull them both behind the stacked orange and blue boxes before Sanji's legs effectively brought an apocalypse to everything in a ten foot radius around him. The Vein in Nami's head seemed to be on the verge of exploding- which was, in it's throbbing motion, telegraphing to her that she should whip out her climatact and lightning both their asses into barbecued Fun Time Banzai submission.

"-FUCKING RIP YOUR FUZZY PURPLE HEAD OFF AND USE IT FOR A LOINCLOTH-"

Peering from beyond the blue and orange seating, Usopp was surprised at how little mangled flesh was involved considering the volume at which Zoro and Sanji were yelling. After looking closer he decided it was because A) Sanji's legs were insulated with cotton and Chopper's painted winter fur, and B) Zoro didn't have his swords on stage with him so he was using the horsey-head-on-a-stick-that-is-supposed-to-be-a-pony, along with two other hand puppets to duel.

"-SCALP OFF YOUR MOLDY HAIR AND SELL IT AS SHITTY ASS SPEARMINT-"

The wooden rainbow above them was chopped in two as Zoro attempted to cleave the soft  
padding of Sanji's lavender belly with an elongated mop handle and pink bunny attached on the end. The other puppet-sword lunged out to slash at the padded shins of the bear-costume, but was swiped aside as impossibly long purple legs for a bear darted out to kick Mugiwara Mr. Zoro in the head.

"Waitdon'tkicksoclosetotheplatformthetrain-"

Crash.

"YOU LAME BRAINED ASSHOLES YOU ALMOST KILLED ME!" Usopp had ducked before the cargo hold of the painted train set he made came flying towards their shored up box and banner tent like a wooden bat in heat, but Nami was still trying to bring a semblance of order so it had narrowly missed her head.

"Pleasedon'tgetsoclosetothegalleydoordangeroussupplies-"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT-" Deafening screams into the megaphone should have rendered anyone in the next three oceans unable to hear, but Nami had underestimated the screaming power of two pissed off Nakama members whose attacks seemed to further accentuate their wuvable hug-some qualities in a flurry of technicolor fighting.

Nami decided then to turn the amplified cake funnel to the porthole in the kitchen door. "LUFFY GET OUT HERE OR ELSE I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR FIRST MATE AND COOK AND WEAR THEIR CORPSES AS NECKLACES THEN SHRED THEIR FLESH TO USE AS FERTILIZER FOR MY MIKAN-"

The door burst open in a loud crash as a pair of rubbery arms holding twigs came flying out the frame as Luffy, in a sandwich style cardboard painted tree declared, "I am the Mighty, Kindly tree, Oaky McOakster, who can be full of leaves in spring when birds come and make nest in my bountiful hair of leaves-"

Usopp, who was the only rational one (besides Chopper who was hiding underneath the deck with Robin while she glued the finishing touches on his cape for the show) on deck right then, so he was the only one who saw it all happen clearly.

Zoro had been trying to stab the cook in the stomach with the horsey, but missed when Sanji dodged to the side, making the head knock over the barrel where Usopp had set down a pot of very resinous, sticky super-glue made of tree sap. At the same time, Luffy came charging out of the door, which slammed into Sanji's back pitching him forwards as the pot then promptly fell into his furry lap. While unbalanced, a purple paw clutched Zoro's makeshift sword to regain balance, but only ended up pulling the swordsman into Sanji while he still had his hand on the handle.

"Wha-"

"-And in winter the leaves of my head will shed, but fear not! Oaky McOakster comes back-"

"Get off me you periwinkle bastard!!!"

"I can't! My leg is stuck!"

Usopp's eyes widened as the full reality of the situation came upon him. "Err, Zoro, is your thigh glued to Sanji's _crotch_?" The croak at the end couldn't be helped. It was too surreal- Sanji's _crotch_.

The one visible eye through the bear suit widened in alarm as he stared out towards to recording dial, then to Nami-chan's face which was starting to look vaguely mollified by the situation, then back to the recording dial. Zoro noted that the cook was noticably paler.

"Get OFF ME!"

"Wha-? I can't! Not without taking my pants off, we're being recorded you shit-head! Recorded for _children_." Of course he really didn't care if he had to take his pants off because he was alright with that sacrifice if it meant his leg wasn't plastered to Sanji's nethers, but there was still the chance of pay-reduction if it became less then PG.

Shoving at the periwinkle sweater by the cook just managed to unbalance Zoro and make him fall flat on his back on the deck, taking Sanji with him, considering his thigh was attached to the other's crotch. Sanji pointed accusingly at Usopp, who had decided to hide the name on the glue pot before either of them noticed.

"This is not _my_ crotch! It's bear crotch! Zoro isn't- isn't-" splutter, "touching my crotch!"

"Oi, it's not like I _want_ to be attached to your crotch!"

"BEAR CROTCH!"

"Ahahahahahahaha..."

Chopper burst out from the splintered door and Robin trailed behind him in a princess outfit holding the end of his cape from the door while he sparkled. "Chopper-man is here to save the day with his faithful companion! My super powers will- um...why is Nami laughing like that?"

"HahahahHA!"

"Oi, Zoro, why are you hugging Sanji like that? Is it because he's fuzzy?" Oaky McOakster crouched in a very bendy, non-tree like way to study Mr. Zoro and the still shouting Chappy Happy Cook the Bear.

"It's the _bear's_ crotch! And why wouldn't you want to be attached to my crotch? Are you saying-"

"What the _fuck_ kuso-cook? Stop kicking me while talking about your crotch! We're _attached_ , and doing that is only gonna make-"

Riiiiiip.

Usopp numbly approached to recording dial, saying weakly "So that concludes to first episode of 'Mugiwara Mr. Zoro Show Fun Time Banzai!', and hopefully next time there will be less nudity..."

Nami had decided later that with the lack of pants and the hole in the crotch of the bear costume, this episode might draw in more ratings from an older, female generation.

 

 

THE END


End file.
